what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
