I seem to have left my pride at pride
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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