I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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