Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
