between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
