her facebook's as public as her vagina
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
