i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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