I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
