I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
