The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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