Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
