i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
