have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
