My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
