careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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