News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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