i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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