I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
