the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
