sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Where is the hickey?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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