i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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