i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
