If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
