I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
