i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
