I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
