when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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