How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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