She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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