I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
