what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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