Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
