I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
