There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
