When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
