I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
