I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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