LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
