why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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