It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
