My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
