i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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