if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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