I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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