Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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