thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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