I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
