I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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