it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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