Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
